Buttplug Virgin No Longer!

Yes folks I've taken the plunge, or rather umm IT has taken the plunge... W/we've been thinking about it for a few weeks now and finally yesterday I went shopping and found my very first (and second) anal toys...

Big franchised sex shops are fine; you can wander in, pick something off a shelf without anyone batting an eye, pay for it and leave. They're usually too vanilla to have what you want tho... Small sex shops will have all you need and an awful lot you hope never needing. Problem is that they're small...you constantly feel watched and judged and silly purchases are made thro this stress ("umm I only wondered if you ummm validate parking?")

I blushed so hard talking to the (male, younger) sales asisstent that I'm sure he could see be burning up... Eventually I thought 'fuckkit why am i embarrassed?, sure he works here?!' And got the courage to explain that yes, there are a lot of dildos here but no thanks it's not really my thing but ohh do you've any buttplugs I'd be able to walk around wearing....?? Bless him, he didn't flinch showing me around all the toys and was telly very helpful altogether.

So last night my task was set. Try the plug, don't force it too much, but try it and if you get it in, wear it for 30min.

Ohhh and it was blissful!! A little push, a surprising pop and it was in. I don't know what buttons it pushed and held in on the way but the rush of happy excitement I got from it was amazing. And I had BEGGED to keep it in longer...

Of course i was allowed keep it in. Of course there was a catch (I'm paraphrasing - He called it a 'task') and that was that I had to masturbate to climax before taking it out. No now hang on, it's nit as easy as that!, I've never in my life came with anything in my ass...and now I had to!!!

So two hours later after some of the kinkiest oral from my bestie @Jaspersub I was a wet writhing plugged mess on the bed. For reallys. 

The buttplug I had bought wasnt the bigest by far but ohhhhhh I will forever have nothing but fond memories of it!!! And so my training continues. And it's anal FTW!!!!! 

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I don’t know how to start this post. I’ve no funny lines and no anecdotes, it just is what it is (sorry).

I’ve  always accepted that being in Europe puts me at somewhat of a disadvantage with the United States (and 90% of my Twitter friends) and their timezones. In fact I’ve never been more acutely aware of it then in accepting my true self as a subservient. When i wake up, He’s sleeping. When i’m having lunch, He wakes up and subsequently when i’m going to bed, He’s having dinner.

This morning, while it was the middle of the night in the U.S., i made a god-awful sinful mistake of ‘playing’ with somebody who was A) not my Master and B) not permitted to me by Him to play with. I acted like a complete slut and when things went too far i ran away and hid.  

I didn’t tell my Master about this. Infact the only way He found out was by reading my timeline... Needless to say i embarrassed Him to say the least and rightly so, He was raging.

If i had acted like an adult in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened. if i had gone to Him and talked to Him about how sad i have been lately. How upset i can be sometimes not being more local and how i (selfishly) sometimes crave something more physical then i can give myself, then maybe this would have been dealt with appropriately and not by my slutty embarrassing actions.

Bottom line; i didn’t talk to Him when i knew i could have. I angered Him and upset myself and now i’m being punished. I don’t even care about the punishment. Thinking about how close i came to actually even maybe losing my Master out of my life ensures that any and every punishment will be tolerated and even smiled through.

 New Rule: TALK! About everything. All the time. Just fucking talk...

why stay?

Lost & Found

I hate rollercoasters. Seriously like, all that up and downyness makes me physically nauseous. I don't have a fear of them, I just don't see the advantage of high speed travel sickess as a good 'buzz'....

Emotional buzz tho...that's different. I'm quite apt at these rollercoasters. 

If any of you have read my past blogs you'll know I've been fairly down recently though, but as with all downs, there is a soaring high. A blissful, joyous, heartfelt high. 

My highs are daily. They're in a though, an idea, a protective watch over me and a powerful, strong, forgiving hug after an earned punishment... The lows may be low but I've never been in danger. I've never feared for safety and I know I never will. 
 
And sure with a rollercoaster this exciting and this knee-trembling how can I deny it?! - it's worth everything to me. Everything.    

it aches

Tonights lesson - doesn't ever matter how hard He will push you, DO NOT BREAK.

...but I did. I was weak and I failed Him.  If you've ever heard the words "I'm disappointed" then you'll know there's a feeling that comes with it. The same ache that fractures your heart just that little bit.

No punishmet for failure can match that and none has been given. Almost as if He knew.... 

I won't get past this. And I'm not supposed to, because if I can't bring this feeling with me to make damn sure it never happens again then I've failed us both. 

So tonight I ache. And tomorrow I earn His adoration again....