DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS!! THIS IS A MISTAKE!!

A task has come up recently that has been proven, in its own way, hard on both myself and my Master (strange but true). Here is how this turn of emotional events came about.

It started as a suggestion that I made for something new that I could do but as it drew closer to becoming real I had a complete change of heart and mind for many reasons against doing it. Of course I had told Master this, I told him all my reasons even though the main one was heart wrenching for me to admit to and had upset me greatly in acknowledging it. It was horrible. I can still feel it even thinking about it. I still remember how determined I was to NOT want this task that even now based on just these memories alone I still want to scream DONT MAKE ME DO THIS!! THIS IS A MISTAKE!! No decision was made and I was already mentally thinking of how I could get out of doing it. My "go to" excuse always being the baby, I'd make up something about having to deal with the baby and not havking time for the task. I honestly thought of everything.

Master had a lot on His plate. He knew the full task AND how I felt about it. It took him days to weigh them against one another and in the end He had decided what He knew to be best for me. What was best wasn't what I wanted. What was best was to obey. I cried so much when He told me. I wanted to tell Him He made the wrong decision. He was actually WRONG by doing this and to go back and think about it again. I knew it hurt Him but He had to. Its part - a bad but necessary part - of being a great Master.

So the task came to pass. I didnt, in the end, have the nerve to lie to Him about the baby (and even if I did - it wouldn't last long - the guilt would kill me). I was nervous starting and *may* have needed dutch courage but the one thought that kept me going through it is that i knew what He expected of me in vague terms and I knew how to fill in the rest. It was my duty to. As His slave and in my own mind i knew nothing less was acecptable.

Master knows all. Master knows me.

That task was one of the best things i've ever done for both my personal growth and my understanding of my role for Master. And I had fun doing it. So much infact that it may even feature again in my future. And again. And again.

Master knows all. Master knows me. Its (still) down on me to believe in that deep down when my knee-jerk reaction is to question Him again but i'm getting there... I'm definately getting there...