Sub-Drop

Firstly, I think, my view and experience of "sub-drop" was from the very few times I had experienced it, had all materialised the same way and I had definately made the mistake of thinking that how I had experienced it was the only way it would EVER be for me. I had thought that once I had learned to accept it and deal properly with it, then I was home-free for any playing that I or my Owner wanted for me. WRONG. Umm yeah like really wrong.

This last month, more then any other, Has stretched me emotionally and mentally further then i've ever been and this is a short blog about the ups and downs of the specific task of cutting.

I've recently started cutting again and at first it didnt really have either the buzz of a high or a drop of the low for me. Saying that though, it only took days to start feeling happily dizzy / floaty from the release of pain cutting was giving me and was fortunate enough to scrape by with minimal "feeling very subby" drops from it afterwards. The cuts continued, deeper now, hurting longer but also making me float longer mentally. The drop though seemed stronger - moving from feeling subby to being actually really very low and almost too depressed / scared to move too far from my Owners radar or to openly want to talk / be with anybody else.

For the most part though, there was never very long between feeling like this and being allowed climb into bed for the night and sleep the worst of it off.

Unfortunately with my most recent cuts, nothing of what I thought was "the norm" came to be true at all. The light-headedness from cutting was increased to the point of my physically melting, with not one but three hard glass-plug anally orientated orgasms. The first one had left me almost hyper. The second hadn't lasted long but was intense enough to make me cry and after that, the rest went very quickly down hill for my emotional and mental state. The third orgasm was forced through tears and was more mechanically done then enjoyed the way it should have been. I was just so upset.

For the first time in a long time, I genuinelly could not pin-point where the sudden sadness had come from or why. At this time too, I was online and watching a D/s Q&A on my time-line that I very soon realised I didnt know any of the answers to. This upset me SO much. I honestly felt like the questions being asked were obvious things I should know as a slave and that the fact I couldn't answer them was putting my personal safety at risk. this scared me. Being this scared upset me more. It went as far as my suggestion to my Owner that it really was alright to NOT loan me out to anyone any more because of it and the kicker is that even now, I still think what I was feeling then was right, that I had a point and that even though I wasn't in my completely rational mental state, what I was trying to express was right.

Even now I think "Yeah it was crazy but I *did* hav a point... Didnt I?!"

I was sent to bed to sleep soon after that. I dont blame my Owner for that decision either - He knew what was happening immediately even when I still didn't. This morning I woke up almost "normal". Sore, from the cuts, but not introverted or especially subby. And yes, I still think that the points I was making still apply, but the upset of them and the paranoid over-analysis of my submissiveness was definitely new and very scarey. Its a whole new "drop" for me and not one that I want to go through again soon.

Sub-dropping isn't only about feeling a sadness and loss for the emotional, physical and mental climax that playing has caused. It changes as much as the reasons for the sub-high. Even typing that has made me shiver thinking how much I don't want to be dropping again. Fact is though; there is NO drop worth the sacrifice of the high that caused it or how proud I've made my Owner by the task I completed to get there.

((PICS: most recent cuts))